Alison Jutzi Talks Amongst Herself

My son asked me what perimenopause was exactly, since I talk about it "all the time". I told him it's when women's estrogen levels go down and they see the patriarchy with clarity. (He didn't ask me to define patriarchy; I truly do talk about that all the time.) When I started glimpsing the world through my new lens, I told my husband, Phil, that I see why a lot of marriages end when wives are in perimenopause. She's metaphorically rage-flipping tables and he's like, hey, remember when you cared about pleasing me?  I told Phil that he could expect a lot of changes in me, but that I recommended he hang on because I was turning into a more fascinating version of myself. And I thought, that's what I want for my son: not only to treat his future high school girlfriend with respect but to be open to his future wife changing and wanting more, and for him to be ready and willing to embrace her transformation.  So I'll incorporate this into my mental list ...

I'm getting table linen ads in my feed and am working hard to resist them. I want to save up for our family vacation this summer and I do NOT need more high-end, soft, sustainable napkins. But pals, I want them. My kids started to ignore me so I had a minute to look up at my house and it turns out it could use some zhuzhing. I crave cute pillows and silver candlesticks. I PURCHASED SILVER POLISH. I also deeply connect with the narrator in Miranda July's novel, All Fours, who spends $20,000.00 (USD, people!) redecorating a motel room. I am both rejecting the male gaze and seeking physical beauty. 47 is a trip. 

I'm over the tiny penis jokes. And the fat jokes. And the bald jokes. When fascists are fascisting can we focus on the fascism and not the low-hanging fruit of attacking physical attributes that have literally no connection to their actions?  Why do we demand emotional maturity from men and then attack them in juvenile ways? Stephen Miller would be evil even with Gavin Newsom's hair. 

This contains spoilers, but also - why haven't you watched it yet?

Narcissists are the most vile, destructive people. But they are fascinating and, when you realize they all fundamentally follow the same pattern, extremely predictable.  Like how they can never be happy and satisfied. Imagine having a job that is famously considered the most powerful position on earth (literal EARTH) and still needing to pad your resume with the pretend credit, "Acting President of Venezuela".  I mean.

The thing I like about making soup stock is the witch's cauldron of it all. The haphazard throwing in of whatever herbs I collect from the garden and the stirring with a ladle while the giant black pot boils. Other witchy things I like right now are essential oils, candles, incense, astrology (what?) and my dollhouse. I am not as easy to get along with as I used to be, but I find myself delightful.

My bff Kate is a poet and sometimes I get to accompany her to poetry readings. I love this window into her life. Inspired by Kate, as well as the poets Maggie Smith (whose book, You Could Make This Place Beautiful, I just read and loved) and Saeed Jones (who with Zach Stafford and Sam Sanders hosts Vibe Check, my fave podcast) I have written this: I'm not here to be pretty for you I'll wait And let you contemplate what you just said Without Filling the air To cushion your discomfort I'll stare While you make that joke Without Feeling the need to laugh I'm not here for you. That's not why I put my shoes on. I just want To walk my dog.

I love this dress I bought recently from Consign Your Curves here in Guelph. This is a shot I got with Felix at Eden's sweet sixteen party. 

 

I went to Vegas with Jess and Jennifer in December... and then I went to Mexico with Eva and Sandy in March... and I love my life because laughing really hard and having the best conversations whilst also adventuring and eating delicious food with my favourite people is so joyful.  Bless Philly for hanging with the boys.

I hate conversing on a cell phone, so I got some bluetooth headphones (the earmuff kind, not the stick-it-in-your-earhole kind) with a built-in mic, and now phone calls are much more enjoyable. So enjoyable, in fact, that I am CALLING PEOPLE ON THE PHONE FOR FUN which is a thing I haven't done much in recent years. I'm learning that I need to begin these conversations with, "Everything is okay, no one has died, I'm literally just calling because I like you." Social media is becoming a bigger heap of white nationalist garbage each day, but I think we all needed it to transparently suck so that we could finally move on. Instead of scrolling, the first thing I check on my phone in the morning is what new podcasts have been released. I'm also starting to follow more newsletters of specific people who share thoughtful content. There is nothing to be gained from being inundated with hate by people who feed off our shock. So, I'm pretty pumped for connecting more...

 My first thought of the new year was, "TIME TO START THE GARDEN" which is cute because no, it's not. I can't plant outside till the middle of May. HOWEVER I did start winter sowing last year and will do so again this year. It's a fabulous way to start seedlings outside in January or February. Essentially, you plant in plastic containers that are open at the top so moisture can get in. They act like little greenhouses. I want to cover my property in flowers this year so I harvested a bunch of seeds from some of my favourites (natives like cardinal flower, bee balm, dense blazing star and non-natives like zinnias) and I'll winter sow a bunch so I have seedlings that are ready to go in the ground in May.  Oh goodness, of course I'll show you some pictures of last year's garden. Thank you for asking!

In 2008 I was on a CBC talent search competition called, "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" An old theatre school classmate made me a Wikipedia page at the time because of how famous I was*. She put my birth year as 10 years later than it actually is (1988 instead of 1978) because she didn't want people to know how old she was and figured they'd deduce her age by her association with me. It was bizarre to me, but kinda funny, and I left it there (mostly because I didn't know how to make Wikipedia edits).  Anyway, I don't have a Wikipedia page anymore and I am now 46 (in Wikipedia years that's 36). Aside from some weird perimenopause symptoms, like hating bras and stupid questions, I feel very into myself at this age. I am comfortable in my body and have confidence in my opinions. It's a work-in-progress, but I'm truly learning what I authentically want and feel without being swayed by all my early life training in compliance.  It's feckin...

I started going to the gym again, motivated partially by a new personal wellness benefit at work (bless). Because I'm older and because I've done a lot of work at breaking down my relationship with my body and not being so concerned with the male gaze, and having a healthier relationship with food, I feel SO. FREE. in my Body Pump class because I DO NOT LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR or, when I do, it's not with any sort of judgement. Also missing is counting calories. To be at the gym purely to gain strength and mobility, maintain mental health, and straight up feel good is a joy. And it took time to get here.  I love it here.  It's the best. 

Hokay, so the two successful surgeries Dad had need to be at the top of the list. He's currently recovering from the second one, but all is well and it's a big relief.  Our family trip to Victoria to visit with Tante Christine, Uncle Bob and Caleb was fabulous. We even got to see Jess, Rowyn and Devery! Starting meds for anxiety has changed my life. Weird how I (a tiny bit) miss the motivation shame, hyper-vigilance and utter dread gave me, but now I'm just motivated by actually, like, enjoying life? Which is great?  While Phil and I didn't get away just us this year, we do have a very busy January planned for us with two nights away just the two of us, and a Milk Carton Kids concert. The funs! I started a women's a cappella group this year! We're named Diva Forte. Look for us in 2024. I have so enjoyed my time with Jen, Erin and Anna, singing in harmony and laughing lots and definitely drinking some wine. Speaking of fun friend groups, I love my gals in my Mom ...

Listening to Maintenance Phase podcast Sketching stuff Growing amaryllises Singing with my a cappella group Drinking Bread & Butter cab sauv Reading all the books (Naomi Klein's Doppelganger being a recent absolute favourite) Eating excellent food with fabulous humans Trail walks with my dawg Unscheduled weekends with the fam Drinking coffee by the Christmas tree Reading my old diaries Dreaming of future travel  Wearing bright, red lipstick

 Maybe I will post things in it again?

I don't have Celiac Disease, guys. Calm down! It's okaaaaaay!   I have NCGS - Non-Celiac Gluten Sensitivity. And if you think that's boring, I have way more banal tidbits about my personal health struggles of 2018 I can share with you. There were multiple blood tests, thyroid biopsies, ultrasounds on lots of things, naturopath appointments, GP appointments, specialist appointments. But in a nutshell, what I've discovered is that gluten is the devil (for me personally, I mean...if you like gluten that's awesome and please enjoy a danish for me).   The fatigue and brain fog are mostly gone. I do get the odd day of unexplained fatigue, but not to the extent I felt when I was eating gluten. It was nuts - I could not function.   I've jumped really hard onto the Marie Kondo bandwagon. You know you're feeling better when you have boundless energy to fold your underwear with love. So! I'm excited to enjoy this year in full (or full-ish) health becau...

Okay, it's just a corn cob I wanted to show you. Don't get weird about it.     I'm a farmer.