Alison Jutzi Talks Amongst Herself

A friend just sent me a link to this article from the latest issue of The Atlantic magazine, entitled, "Is Facebook Making Us Lonely?" I think about this a lot. I feel like I am a too-frequent user of Facebook and I wish I could quit, but I can't bring myself to do it. My reasons for staying: I have so many great photos and videos of my nieces and nephews on there, it's a great place to network, and I don't want to miss out on anything because I'm off the grid. Also, without Facebook my husband and I likely never would have gotten together. It's amazing how far a poke can take you. Did it just get weird in here? Anyway... I will say that having Facebook makes me far less interested in stopping an acquaintance on the street to see what they've been up to. Nowadays, it's more than likely I already know more about their life than I care to, because they probably just posted a retro-looking photo of the vegan chili they ate last night, al...

Random thoughts from an Oscars broadcast of which I only saw segments. I love you, Billy Crystal. You're like a totally hilarious version of my mother's apple pie, if my mother's apple pie were slightly puffy from too much Botox. Angelina Jolie, we'll totally still like you if you gain 20 lbs. Please stop the insanity and eat five roast beef dinners immediately. Mr. Plummer, you are a class act. I'm sorry for all the people who keep telling you how much they enjoyed you in The Sound of Music . Kristen Wiig, I am so sad you didn't win for screenwriting. I desperately wanted to hear your acceptance speech. Angelina again: What was with the weird stance when you presented? Was this an inside joke that I didn't get?

I've always loved Valentine's Day. When I was in primary school, my mom would bake heart-shaped sugar cookies and write the names of all my classmates on them in pink and red icing. They were always a hit. And every year I received a lot of Valentines. Perhaps because of the cookies? Let's not delve too deeply into that. Being a serial monogomist for much of my late teens and early 20's, I usually had someone to share the day with, and I just loved it. I loved getting a box of chocolates and a card and, well, that was really all I needed. Just a small token of affection. And the permission to eat a whole box of chocolates in the name of a Saint. Some of my most memorable Valentine's Days, however, have been the ones on which I was single. I have never been one to ignore or scoff at the day; I've always wanted to take note of it in some way. February 14th, 2002 I am rehearsing for my first ever professional play with Theatre & Company in Kitchener. I am in 1...

Dear New Subway Train Rocket, My God, you're gorgeous! With your antimicrobial surface treatment and your electronic maps and your 10% more capacity and your $1,000,000,000.00 price tag. I just have one question: WHEN WILL YOU LET ME RIDE YOU? The other day you slowed down and stopped as I waited anxiously on the southbound platform at Eglinton, only to chug along down the track as a TTC employee informed me you were being used for driver training only that day. My hopes of losing my Rocket virginty were cruelly dashed, and not for the first time either. Is it because I'm married? Is that what's scaring you off? Because, just to be clear, my husband is in full support of this. Let's make it happen, Rocket. You have only to open your doors to me. Love, Alison

How does a person think of a really sexist idea for an ad, and then present it to a bunch of people in a board room without any of them pointing out that it's outrageously sexist, and how is it subsequently presented to the client who has hired them to create the ad without anyone in that boardroom saying, "Wait a second, everyone, don't you think maybe this is a bit yucky? No, nobody? Okay, cool. Pass the sandwiches. Ooh, is that olive tapenade?"

Dear Blog, Sorry I've been neglecting you lately. The thing is, I've been having a really fun summer so I haven't been internetting as much as usual. What have I been doing? Oh, this and that. Like... This: And that: And playing this: And hanging out with this one: And looking for one of these: And I just shot a commercial for Wiser's which will be a lot like this: Anyway, Blog, I'm sure you'll understand if I prioritize jumping in lakes and dining with friends for a bit. I predict I'll want to soak up this fine, albeit muggy, weather for the next little while and won't be visiting you again until the fall. Do take care of yourself, and I look forward to our continued relationship in the coming months. Yours Truly, Alison Jutzi

Did I ever tell you that I sometimes work as a mascot? I started dressing up as a certain bear for a certain bank several years ago, and continue to do the odd gig to this day (odd being the operative word). The first thing I remember noticing about life inside the bear costume is that people really treat you differently when you're dressed as a big cuddly animal, and I mean this in both a good and bad way. Little kids generally like me WAY more when I'm in costume. Then there are those jerk kids who just want to punch me and pull my arms off 'cause "YOU'RE NOT REAL! I CAN TELL!". And of course there are the adults who are repulsed by me and the security guards who I can tell might not stick up for me if someone tries to punch me out. Last weekend I did a mascot gig in Dundas Square, where there were bands performing. One band member got on the microphone and invited everyone to kick me in the ribs. Perhaps he doesn't like the bank my costume r...

Kristy's Great Idea by Ann M. Martin This is the first (of 132, as of this month) in the Babysitter's Club series, which I started reading when I was 11 years old. I don't recognize any titles after the 50-book mark, so I guess I was too busy being an awkward high school student to follow the trials of Kristy, Claudia, Mary Anne, Stacey and the others past 1992. I ate this book up, much the same way I devoured four seasons of Sex and the City on DVD when I was bored for those two months in the winter of 2004. They are both giant chocolate-bars-with-caramel-inside for the brain. The plot: Kristy gathers her three friends who all have different but complementary personalities and, more importantly, varied hair colours and styles, to form a club of babysitters (a "babysitter's club", if you will) which gathers weekly to schedule babysitting appointments for their neighbours, all of whom somehow remember to call during their club meeting hours. The main charac...

Dear shoes, Why do I have so many of you? I thought I was a low-maintenance person, but when I see you, my vast collection of footwear, I am forced to consider that the opposite may be true. A lot of you are in storage. I've only kept in the front hall those of you that are essential to my every-day life at this moment (no disrespect, comfy brown winter boots with the pom-poms). Still, you are so many in number. Why? I know why you're there, silver pointy-toed flats. You are new and shiny and hip, and even comfortable (thanks, Soft Moc). White sandal pumps from Payless, I remember I bought you on a whim one day when I needed open-toed shoes to take to a pedicure appointment, and you have turned out to be one of my most-worn pair of summer shoes. Thanks for that. Turquoise high-heeled sandals from Rockport. My love for you is real. You make me feel like I'm walking on air, and though I didn't wear you as much as I meant to last season, 2010 is sure to be your year. Prett...

Please enjoy this video, which clearly demonstrates how NOT to be a generous actor. I desperately want to know the back-story. Was the person in the tiger costume recast from a lead role? Did he or she just have a falling out with the director? Or is this the work of a very imaginative choreographer?

Everyone has their favourite Christmas movie and mine is the 1978 Sesame Street Christmas special, Christmas Eve on Sesame Street . Finding this clip made me very happy this morning:

Dear electronic interface on the treadmill at the gym, You are so fancy. I love all your flashing lights and the chart that shows what my target heartrate should be, based on my age. I also like that with the press of a button, I can customize my workout. Sometimes I want to burn fat, but sometimes I want to work on cardio, and you give me both of those options - and more! But, electronic interface, I do have a bit of an issue to discuss with you. When I've been jogging for 15 minutes you like to tell me, with your fancy red lights, that my workout is " 25% COMPLETED ". I guess you want me to know this because you're trying to encourage me to keep going, but all I want to say is, "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO TELL ME I HAVE TO DO THIS FOR AN HOUR ?" I mean, seriously, it's a miracle I've been on there for 15 minutes. Maybe instead you should say, " HOLY CRAP WHAT ARE YOU A FRIGGIN' OLYMPIC RUNNER? " and then I'd feel really good about ...

I just read that Jim Carrey is gaining 50lbs for an upcoming role , which makes me think: when am I going to be offered a part that is conditional upon my gaining weight? I think I could do it. My diet would consist of: - donuts - cheese - donuts with cheese on them - cheese with a side of donuts - cheese-flavoured donuts - some more donuts - sticks of cheese - cubes of cheese - Kraft single slices - fish 'n' chips Yeah, I could do it. Y'know why? Because I'm committed to my craft . I would gain 25lbs and then people would call me brave, just like they did with Renee Zellweger when she was playing Bridget Jones. ( Dr. Joshi , if you're reading this, please do not be alarmed. I'm just kidding. Well, not about liking donuts and cheese. That's totally true.)

Crasher squirrel meets Kanye West.

People in my life are getting engaged left and right these days, which reminds me of a story. Picture it: Guelph, winter of '97. I am working my mad Barista skills at the Second Cup in Stone Road Mall, ever-fearful of my boss's watchful gaze. His motto: "If there's time to lean, there's time to clean." I have just readjusted some miniature cherry pies and oversized biscotti in the display case when a young-ish couple approaches the counter. Me: Hi there! What can I get for you today? Him: Two Columbians please. Me: For here? Him: Yes. Me: And would you like any pastries with that? (I have to say this or TimeToLeanTimeToClean gets huffy.) Him: Yes! We would! Two butter tarts, please. It's a special day. I turn around to get two plates and when I look back at the counter he has presented his womanfriend with a ring and he says, Him: Will you marry me? Her: Wha...? Are you serious? Me: Exactly. Is he serious? Really? Here? In line at the Second Cup? ...

I don't understand Twitter . I don't see the point. But I also don't see the purpose in going on ad nauseum about not understanding those who "tweet", as though I'm so much better at controlling my use of electronic communication fora, what with only having 4 email accounts, MySpace, Facebook, a blog, a website, a Wikipedia page, a Facebook fanpage (and the list goes on). Frankly, my online presence already far exceeds how present I feel in my everyday life. But isn't that the point? Aren't we all madly posting status updates and photos and random musings to assert our existence and prove to everyone how happy, popular, successful and full of life and adventure we all are? "See how good I look in that photo? Notice how the light hits my face just right ? And see how I was just doing some traveling with my very attractive friends? Don't you think that's pretty worldly of me? And do you believe yet that I'm happy? Do you?? My life is g...

This is a post about sports, in case you came here with other expectations. Here is a timeline of my involvement in sports: 1983 - took gymnastics at the age of 5. i think i learned to do a somersault, but not that well. 1984 - started swimming lessons. continued for several years until they started asking me to do hard things like dive. 1986 - one summer on a T-ball team. last person to receive the "MVP" award (free fries at McDonalds). only got it because it was required that every child win at least once. never really understood the rules of the game. once tripped and fell while running home, leaving me emotionally scarred for life. 1989 - played on grade 6 volleyball team. wasn't too bad at it. highlight of my life in sports. 1990 - tried out for grade 7/8 volleyball team. realized i was WAY out of my league. highschool - figured i'd better stick to musicals. And that, my friends, was pretty much it...until recently. Two years ago Phil asked me to sub a few t...

Dear Juicer , Do you like sitting on top of the fridge? Do you feel a little dusty and underused? I'm sorry, Juicer. It's my fault. You see, I bought you while I was detoxing, and believed nothing could be better than a glass of carrot-ginger juice in the morning. But after two uses, I learned that the product you were putting out wasn't worth the time and effort it took to take you apart and clean you. You really are a bit of a bother, did you know that? I can't say I'm surprised. When I bought you, I heard a little voice inside my head saying, "you know this is just going to end up gathering dust on top of the fridge, right?" but I refused to be talked down by my inner voice, and so I marched right up to the counter and purchased you: the cheapest juicer on the shelf. And now I see you, perched sadly atop the fridge, longing to transform perfectly good vegetables into something that looks like swamp water. And I think, "Will I ever use my juicer aga...

Dear Fitness Instructor, You have a lot of energy. I do not have as much energy as you. How do you do it? I know that you are being paid a pittance for what I think is an important job. How do you maintain such vigour? I like the class you teach me. The one where we do dance moves and I get a good cardio workout? It's fun, even though I am a terrible dancer and always have to choose the "beginner" options. But, Fitness Instructor? Can I ask a favour of you? Can you please stop asking me questions in the middle of class and requiring me to answer them loudly? Questions like, "Are you READY to ROCK?" and "ARE YOU FEELING THE BURN? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" I really don't like it when you ask me those questions. I'm never really that ready to rock, regardless of the situation, so I feel it would be dishonest to answer in the affirmative. And as for feeling the burn, you can just go ahead and assume that I am because I'm not an athlete and you...

I use google web analytics to track who has been reading my blog. Never fear, stalkers, I can't tell who exactly has been to this site, but rather how many people and from what cities. I can also see what people have searched for in google that caused them to land on my blog. Some searches are obviously related to all my talk of the Maria show: "how can you treat a girl like Maria" "how do you control a girl like Maria" (um...yikes) "microphone tap tap tap is this thing on" Several people were looking for info about Joshi's detox, like this person: "joshi detox anyone constipated?" (Oh, dear.) Then there is a random assortment of search terms: "pictures of unidentified rodents" (I talked about wanting to get rats for awhile, so this makes sense) "smilesing" (pardon?) "birthday cards for kids and grownups" (This person so did not find what they were looking for) dav devalle road rage (I don't think they...