Alison Jutzi Talks Amongst Herself

My son asked me what perimenopause was exactly, since I talk about it "all the time". I told him it's when women's estrogen levels go down and they see the patriarchy with clarity. (He didn't ask me to define patriarchy; I truly do talk about that all the time.) When I started glimpsing the world through my new lens, I told my husband, Phil, that I see why a lot of marriages end when wives are in perimenopause. She's metaphorically rage-flipping tables and he's like, hey, remember when you cared about pleasing me?  I told Phil that he could expect a lot of changes in me, but that I recommended he hang on because I was turning into a more fascinating version of myself. And I thought, that's what I want for my son: not only to treat his future high school girlfriend with respect but to be open to his future wife changing and wanting more, and for him to be ready and willing to embrace her transformation.  So I'll incorporate this into my mental list ...

I'm getting table linen ads in my feed and am working hard to resist them. I want to save up for our family vacation this summer and I do NOT need more high-end, soft, sustainable napkins. But pals, I want them. My kids started to ignore me so I had a minute to look up at my house and it turns out it could use some zhuzhing. I crave cute pillows and silver candlesticks. I PURCHASED SILVER POLISH. I also deeply connect with the narrator in Miranda July's novel, All Fours, who spends $20,000.00 (USD, people!) redecorating a motel room. I am both rejecting the male gaze and seeking physical beauty. 47 is a trip. 

I'm over the tiny penis jokes. And the fat jokes. And the bald jokes. When fascists are fascisting can we focus on the fascism and not the low-hanging fruit of attacking physical attributes that have literally no connection to their actions?  Why do we demand emotional maturity from men and then attack them in juvenile ways? Stephen Miller would be evil even with Gavin Newsom's hair. 

This contains spoilers, but also - why haven't you watched it yet?

Narcissists are the most vile, destructive people. But they are fascinating and, when you realize they all fundamentally follow the same pattern, extremely predictable.  Like how they can never be happy and satisfied. Imagine having a job that is famously considered the most powerful position on earth (literal EARTH) and still needing to pad your resume with the pretend credit, "Acting President of Venezuela".  I mean.

The thing I like about making soup stock is the witch's cauldron of it all. The haphazard throwing in of whatever herbs I collect from the garden and the stirring with a ladle while the giant black pot boils. Other witchy things I like right now are essential oils, candles, incense, astrology (what?) and my dollhouse. I am not as easy to get along with as I used to be, but I find myself delightful.

My bff Kate is a poet and sometimes I get to accompany her to poetry readings. I love this window into her life. Inspired by Kate, as well as the poets Maggie Smith (whose book, You Could Make This Place Beautiful, I just read and loved) and Saeed Jones (who with Zach Stafford and Sam Sanders hosts Vibe Check, my fave podcast) I have written this: I'm not here to be pretty for you I'll wait And let you contemplate what you just said Without Filling the air To cushion your discomfort I'll stare While you make that joke Without Feeling the need to laugh I'm not here for you. That's not why I put my shoes on. I just want To walk my dog.

I love this dress I bought recently from Consign Your Curves here in Guelph. This is a shot I got with Felix at Eden's sweet sixteen party. 

 

I went to Vegas with Jess and Jennifer in December... and then I went to Mexico with Eva and Sandy in March... and I love my life because laughing really hard and having the best conversations whilst also adventuring and eating delicious food with my favourite people is so joyful.  Bless Philly for hanging with the boys.

I hate conversing on a cell phone, so I got some bluetooth headphones (the earmuff kind, not the stick-it-in-your-earhole kind) with a built-in mic, and now phone calls are much more enjoyable. So enjoyable, in fact, that I am CALLING PEOPLE ON THE PHONE FOR FUN which is a thing I haven't done much in recent years. I'm learning that I need to begin these conversations with, "Everything is okay, no one has died, I'm literally just calling because I like you." Social media is becoming a bigger heap of white nationalist garbage each day, but I think we all needed it to transparently suck so that we could finally move on. Instead of scrolling, the first thing I check on my phone in the morning is what new podcasts have been released. I'm also starting to follow more newsletters of specific people who share thoughtful content. There is nothing to be gained from being inundated with hate by people who feed off our shock. So, I'm pretty pumped for connecting more...

 My first thought of the new year was, "TIME TO START THE GARDEN" which is cute because no, it's not. I can't plant outside till the middle of May. HOWEVER I did start winter sowing last year and will do so again this year. It's a fabulous way to start seedlings outside in January or February. Essentially, you plant in plastic containers that are open at the top so moisture can get in. They act like little greenhouses. I want to cover my property in flowers this year so I harvested a bunch of seeds from some of my favourites (natives like cardinal flower, bee balm, dense blazing star and non-natives like zinnias) and I'll winter sow a bunch so I have seedlings that are ready to go in the ground in May.  Oh goodness, of course I'll show you some pictures of last year's garden. Thank you for asking!

In 2008 I was on a CBC talent search competition called, "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" An old theatre school classmate made me a Wikipedia page at the time because of how famous I was*. She put my birth year as 10 years later than it actually is (1988 instead of 1978) because she didn't want people to know how old she was and figured they'd deduce her age by her association with me. It was bizarre to me, but kinda funny, and I left it there (mostly because I didn't know how to make Wikipedia edits).  Anyway, I don't have a Wikipedia page anymore and I am now 46 (in Wikipedia years that's 36). Aside from some weird perimenopause symptoms, like hating bras and stupid questions, I feel very into myself at this age. I am comfortable in my body and have confidence in my opinions. It's a work-in-progress, but I'm truly learning what I authentically want and feel without being swayed by all my early life training in compliance.  It's feckin...

I started going to the gym again, motivated partially by a new personal wellness benefit at work (bless). Because I'm older and because I've done a lot of work at breaking down my relationship with my body and not being so concerned with the male gaze, and having a healthier relationship with food, I feel SO. FREE. in my Body Pump class because I DO NOT LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR or, when I do, it's not with any sort of judgement. Also missing is counting calories. To be at the gym purely to gain strength and mobility, maintain mental health, and straight up feel good is a joy. And it took time to get here.  I love it here.  It's the best. 

Hokay, so the two successful surgeries Dad had need to be at the top of the list. He's currently recovering from the second one, but all is well and it's a big relief.  Our family trip to Victoria to visit with Tante Christine, Uncle Bob and Caleb was fabulous. We even got to see Jess, Rowyn and Devery! Starting meds for anxiety has changed my life. Weird how I (a tiny bit) miss the motivation shame, hyper-vigilance and utter dread gave me, but now I'm just motivated by actually, like, enjoying life? Which is great?  While Phil and I didn't get away just us this year, we do have a very busy January planned for us with two nights away just the two of us, and a Milk Carton Kids concert. The funs! I started a women's a cappella group this year! We're named Diva Forte. Look for us in 2024. I have so enjoyed my time with Jen, Erin and Anna, singing in harmony and laughing lots and definitely drinking some wine. Speaking of fun friend groups, I love my gals in my Mom ...

Listening to Maintenance Phase podcast Sketching stuff Growing amaryllises Singing with my a cappella group Drinking Bread & Butter cab sauv Reading all the books (Naomi Klein's Doppelganger being a recent absolute favourite) Eating excellent food with fabulous humans Trail walks with my dawg Unscheduled weekends with the fam Drinking coffee by the Christmas tree Reading my old diaries Dreaming of future travel  Wearing bright, red lipstick

 Maybe I will post things in it again?

I don't have Celiac Disease, guys. Calm down! It's okaaaaaay!   I have NCGS - Non-Celiac Gluten Sensitivity. And if you think that's boring, I have way more banal tidbits about my personal health struggles of 2018 I can share with you. There were multiple blood tests, thyroid biopsies, ultrasounds on lots of things, naturopath appointments, GP appointments, specialist appointments. But in a nutshell, what I've discovered is that gluten is the devil (for me personally, I mean...if you like gluten that's awesome and please enjoy a danish for me).   The fatigue and brain fog are mostly gone. I do get the odd day of unexplained fatigue, but not to the extent I felt when I was eating gluten. It was nuts - I could not function.   I've jumped really hard onto the Marie Kondo bandwagon. You know you're feeling better when you have boundless energy to fold your underwear with love. So! I'm excited to enjoy this year in full (or full-ish) health becau...

Okay, it's just a corn cob I wanted to show you. Don't get weird about it.     I'm a farmer.

When we moved to Guelph, I was excited (maybe cautiously hopeful?) to see what sort of creative outlets I'd find here. So far, I've performed in a stellar production of "The Drowsy Chaperone" to sold-out crowds at Guelph Little Theatre, started a music duo with my neighbour, directed a play, tried stand-up comedy for the first time, performed in a sketch show work-shopped by Kevin MacDonald, of Kids in the Hall fame, and done several comedic-folk singing gigs. Turns out I'm more creative as a law clerk than as an actor. Huh. About a year after we moved to Guelph, I had finished my law clerk courses and found myself with a bit of extra time. I decided to see if Guelph had an improv community and was thrilled to discover that it not only had one, but that it was a vibrant community that was growing by the minute, thanks to Hayley Kellett and Jay Reid, co-founders of The Making Box . They offered classes, had regular shows, and now have their own space on Cork S...

I may or may not have just turned 40. The universe, just to emphasize that fact, has blessed me with some very 40-year-old health issues. For the past few months I've been feeling: - Fatigue - Brain fog - Stomach pain So, I asked my doctor to have my thyroid tested and to screen for Celiac. I found out I have nodules growing on my thyroid, and that I have Celiac Disease. So, I was right, which basically means I'm a doctor now. I'm waiting for the next step with the thyroid issues (biopsy? surgery?) and I'm reeeeeally hoping we've found the reason I'm SORRY WHAT? WHO? Where was I... But going gluten-free has been a cinch. No more bloating. No more intestinal weirdness. No more Stiegl Radler...NO MORE STIEGL RADLER! Crap. Another thing that happens when you're 40? You start to love gardening. You get excited about it like you did a new boyfriend when you were 19. You stare out the window at your garden, and you think passer...

I am happy to announce that I am now a law clerk for Marti Wilson at Wilson Law here in Guelph, Ontario. Marti's practice focuses on real estate transactions, estate planning, and corporate/commercial services. Visit our website  and visit us at #204 - 6 Dublin St. S., which is on the north east corner of Dublin St. S. and Waterloo Ave., steps from downtown. Here is our complete contact information:   WILSON LAW Marti Wilson B.A., LL.B 204 - 6 Dublin St. S. Guelph ON  N1H 4L5   T 519.831.3838 F 519.827.1210   marti@martiwilsonlaw.ca alison@martiwilsonlaw.ca   http://martiwilsonlaw.ca

Did you know that when your kids are three and four you start to sleep again? It's magical. And even if one of them wakes up at 5:30am and starts loudly singing the Iron Man theme in bed, you can ask that he sing a little quieter and stay in his room until 6:00am, because 6:00am is an easy one ("It looks like this, mama," they say, sticking their arms straight up in the air), and he says,"Okay" and you GO BACK TO BED. And then did you know that the other one will wake up and they'll start playing, usually pretending they're police officers or superheroes or dinosaurs or bad guys, and they'll become so absorbed in their play they don't even notice that it's 6:25am? This is a big deal. Like most parents, I can't believe how quickly the time is passing, and I wish I could bottle the many beautiful moments. Also like most parents, I've frequently lost my effing mind - especially when navigating snow suits and neck warmers and 1:00am...

I didn't mean to take a video. But a photo wouldn't have truly captured the post-bath crazies.

What follows is a letter that was taped to our apartment door last spring. May 2, 2015 Dear Alison (tenant of apt. 1002), Before Christmas, I spoke and wrote to you regarding Felix's disturbing shrieking. At the time, you seemed to be genuinely concerned, said that you would try to decrease his shrieking, and encouraged me to tell you if it was a problem in the future. Although I have not been in touch because I have been busy, I assure you that it is still a BIG PROBLEM. As I write this, I have been listening to him shriek for almost an hour since 7 am (on a Saturday when I Was hoping to sleep in and start my day peacefully). In general, Felix's shrieking persists throughout the day. He starts around 7 am and does not stop until about 7 pm. On Wednesday, April 22, when I was trying to work from home, I heard him shriek at least eight times throughout the day (7 am, 9:30 am, 1:50 pm, 3pm, 4:45 pm, 5:45 pm, 6:15 pm). He may have shrieked more but I went out at certain po...

Phil and I house-hunted for years in Toronto. He, ever the researcher, would send me regular emails detailing the latest listings on the market, complete with hyperlinks and his comments ( $499k. Front pad parking. No room dimensions but look smallish. Finished basement but low ceiling? Mud room. ) Every so often he'd throw a Guelph listing in there and I'd roll my eyes. Why would I want to live in a big, affordable house in a nice city? Wouldn't moving back to Guelph mean that I'd have to give up acting, and that I was somehow regressing? Then we had a baby. Babies don't take up much space so we were happy where we were, in our two-bedroom rental apartment near Yonge and Eglinton, while we tried to find a house in Toronto. Then we had another baby. And no matter what you may think, living in a two-bedroom apartment with two boys under two isn't that much fun. Lots of people make it work, but we wanted space, so we continued our hunt - a little more vi...

How to change your life in twenty  easy difficult, heart-wrenching, exciting, terrifying, thrilling  steps. 1. Decide you want to buy a house in Toronto, then lose five bidding wars on tiny houses in mediocre neighbourhoods - and lose those bidding wars spectacularly, by $70,000.00 and more, except for that last one where you actually had the highest bid but didn't want to agree to some crazy last-minute clause that you weren't allowed to consult a lawyer on because you needed to make the decision right then and there (This is called coercion, law students!). 2. Lose your job...well, not your job, your husband's job...well, not that you lost it for him, but he lost it and even then, he didn't really lose it, it just ceased to exist while he was on parental leave, so there you have it. No more house-hunting. It wasn't your acting income that got you your mortgage pre-approval. 3. Take online courses towards your Law Clerk certification through ILCO  because ...

I can't say I wasn't warned. Everyone told me to  sleep while I could in preparation for parenthood. And I thought I had slept enough. I diligently stayed in bed an additional hour whenever I could and stored the extra sleep in Mason jars in our bedroom closet. But, guys? I ran out. I didn't think I'd need this much. Felix isn't the expert sleeper Remy was (and I say was because Remy, the sleep-through-the-night-at-five-months baby, magically transformed into a Crappy McNosleeps about six months ago) so it's been awhile since I went to sleep on one day and woke up at least six hours into the next one.  Sometimes I daydream of this past July when I went away with friends for two nights in a row and I slept in until 8am each morning! 8am!!! And this Tina Fey line from Date Night , in response to Steve Carrell's character asking if she ever fantasizes about other men, really resonates with me now: "if anything, I fantasize about being a...

Today is the due date for our bundle of joy, but I don't know that he got the memo.  I wouldn't be surprised if this pregnancy ended in an induction, like my first one did.  Not to brag, but I'm pretty sure I have a super comfy uterus. This is how pregnancy number two has gone: Week 5 - Week 20 Tried to ignore it as much as possible in order to save my energy for the final and what I know to be long months. Week 20-30 Emotional roller coaster. Crazy mood swings and crying jags. Not fun. Dreamt of red wine. Weeks 31-40 Happily much more emotionally stable.  Felt resigned. Just trying to stay low to the ground and get through it. ...so I wrote the above on January 6th and never posted it. Then on the 8th I had a baby so I've been pretty busy with that. Felix Collin Jutzi Sullivan (or Flixster, as I like to call him) was born rather quickly on the evening of Wednesday, January 8th, 2014. The second epidural of my life was lovely, thank you, and t...

In case anyone needs Christmas gift ideas for Remy, I had him compile a list of his most-desired items: A box of Kleenex Mommy's cosmetics case Daddy's glasses The remote control for the television The remote control for the TiVo The remote control for the VCR Chips of drywall from the baseboard in the nursery Anything from a garbage can Toilet water Whatever you're holding right now The thing you just took away from me An empty diaper box Mommy's cell phone Daddy's cell phone Anything that is in a cupboard Autonomy

I am 28 weeks into my second pregnancy.  I am irritable and emotional and highly sensitive and forgetful and klutzy and tired and I would like a bottle of bold red wine, please.  The first time around had its charm because it was new! Exciting! Look what my body can do! This time around just feels long...and I haven't even hit the hard part yet.   I have broken a lot of things recently, due to my general clumsiness and lack of spatial awareness: our glass coffee table, a teapot, a glass, some salad tongs, and the coffee pot - before I had made coffee that morning.  There were tears.  It is very frustrating not to be able to trust yourself to keep things unbroken.  Almost as frustrating as it is to try to explain why you're crying when you just are.  Just because.  Hormones.  Whatever.   It makes sense that pregnancy number two would be harder.  As a friend of mine said, "Your body had 33 years to prepare for the first pregn...

There are two ways to store your Tupperware (by which I of course mean Zellers-brand plastic containers and old margarine tubs):  Separate the bowls and lids, and stack them in such a way that maximizes the space available, so that you have as little air as possible taking up room in your Tupperware drawer; Keep the lids on and stack them one on top of the other. The first way seems like the smart way, which is why most people choose it.  "I'm being efficient with space!  Look how much stuff I can fit in here when I use my mad Tetris skills!" and that's all fine and dandy, until you actually need to put away the leftover pasta and then you're all, "Where is the effing lid?  Why can't I find the effing lid?  STOP TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN" I choose the second option because I don't need to be able to fit millions of plastic containers into one spot; I just need about 10 of them, and I need to not have to sift through 18 lids trying to fi...

3 minutes in:   Really, Jennifer Lopez? You're being artificially inseminated and you're concerned that the doctor is going to be offended by your chipped nail polish? Is that really how you feel? Also, really? You wore fake eyelashes to this appointment? 4 minutes: Really? I'm hearing a voice inside your head saying, "Oh, I hope this works. I've wanted this for so long. Maybe this isn't how I pictured it, exactly." Really? Did that need to be written? Can't we just assume it? 4 minutes: Oh good, you have a quirky best friend who squawks at you about how horrible her four kids are, and how damaged her goods are and how that should therefore mean you shouldn't have kids of your own. This is getting worse by the second. 5 minutes: Ugh, did we just do a flashback to your male friend doing a spit-take when you asked him to be your baby-daddy? And then did he ask if you were out of your mind, and screech about how he's in his sexual prime, in...

Ten years ago (ten of them!) Renée Strasfeld and I were sharing a dressing room at the St. Lawrence Centre, getting ready for a performance of Free to Be...You and Me directed by Michael Rubinoff, and she said I just had to listen to this awesome song from The Last Five Years  by Jason Robert Brown, which includes a woman singing her subtext while doing a musical theatre audition. I loved the song, then loved the show, then desperately wanted to do the show, and last year the wonderful Kate Stevenson gave me that opportunity.  My castmate, John Boag, who's voice is like butter but even better (so maybe like butter mixed with brown sugar and then Tina Fey serves it to you in a chocolate bowl?) made an audio recording of one of our performances, and I've posted a few of the numbers on my website . Here is a link to my performance of  "Climbing Uphill" , the number that Renée played for me that day in 2003.  As much as I loved it then, it really res...

I'm a mom. These are my secrets. 1. I am afraid all the time . I have so much to lose now. 2. For awhile, in an attempt to lose my remaining pregnancy weight, I was eating Lean Cuisine and trying to stick to 1200 calories a day (no, not while breast-feeding, you don't have to report me to the authorities). If you can't picture what 1200 calories a day looks like, here is a sample menu: Breakfast: 1 rice cake. Lunch: Air soup with dust sprinkled on top, and if you're really hungry you can throw in a mint leaf, but just a small one (THINK OF THE CALORIES). Dinner: One frozen chicken breast with a garnish of boiled broccoli (the low-fat kind). AND THEN TAKE A SLEEPING PILL SO YOU'LL PASS OUT SO YOU WON'T SNACK BECAUSE SNACKING AFTER 7PM IS THE WORST. So that was great for awhile and I really saw results, but mostly those results were me being really hungry all the time. Now I am okay with taking the weight loss reeeeally slowly. Food is d...

The baby is here! The baby is here! Here is a quick re-cap of that time in August when our son came into the world: Was induced August 20th, 2012. Fabulous experience. Epidurals are the new awesome. Gave birth to a beautiful son, Remy Owen Jutzi Sullivan! 7lbs, 13 oz. My hubby and the doctor were great at helping me get the baby to be on the outside of my body. Felt amazed when Remy was born, as though it were a dream. Sent my dad to get McDonalds an hour after the birth. Really needed a Filet o' Fish. Remy was alert right from the get-go, and everyone agreed he was a mini-Phil. Well into the next morning, still wondered if it was all a dream from which I was about to be awoken and told, "You're still 4 centimetres." We're still learning, and we're still tired, but overall Phil and I are feeling pretty darn good in our new parenting roles.  Here are my thoughts at the 7-week mark: Not Being Pregnant is GREAT In my final months of preg...

I am 40 weeks and counting now, so I've almost reached the finish line of my first pregnancy.  Whew.  Soon life will finally go back to normal.  I love making statements like that.  It gives people the opportunity to say things like, "Life will never be normal again!" and "Just you wait, you don't even know what you're getting into!" and "Hey, that's my chocolate cake, just 'cause you finished yours doesn't mean you can start eating off my plate, fatty!"  Er, maybe that last one doesn't apply. But, y'know?  For all the warnings I got about how much unsolicited advice I'd receive, and how many strangers would touch my belly without asking, and what inappropriately terrifying labour stories people would share with me during my pregnancy, I've really had very little of any of that.  And, frankly, I'm a little disappointed.  Here I was, all ready to be righteous and indignant and say things like, "...