Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Movie Review: "The Back-Up Plan" starring Jennifer Lopez

3 minutes in: Really, Jennifer Lopez? You're being artificially inseminated and you're concerned that the doctor is going to be offended by your chipped nail polish? Is that really how you feel? Also, really? You wore fake eyelashes to this appointment?
4 minutes: Really? I'm hearing a voice inside your head saying, "Oh, I hope this works. I've wanted this for so long. Maybe this isn't how I pictured it, exactly." Really? Did that need to be written? Can't we just assume it?
4 minutes: Oh good, you have a quirky best friend who squawks at you about how horrible her four kids are, and how damaged her goods are and how that should therefore mean you shouldn't have kids of your own. This is getting worse by the second.
5 minutes: Ugh, did we just do a flashback to your male friend doing a spit-take when you asked him to be your baby-daddy? And then did he ask if you were out of your mind, and screech about how he's in his sexual prime, instead of doing what a real friend would do and listen and be supportive?
6 minutes: Oh God, why? Why are you leaving the doctor's office holding your legs tightly together? Why does the doctor have to tell you you don't have to do that? Why are you a moron? Oh good, the doctor just told you about a moms' support group. Maybe something funny will happen there.
8 minutes: Wow, what a twist. You just got in the same cab as an attractive dude, and oh wait - you don't like him right away! What will happen? Oh wait, ha ha, it's so funny, the two of you are fighting over who gets to take the cab and then you both get out and the cab drives off! Hahahahaha! And THEN? You both get on the subway because that was the only cab left in the whole city! Ahahahahahaha!!!
10 minutes: Oh lovely, you own a pet store. And your two quirky employees want to hear everything about the insemination and they're really badgering you about it and not being delicate at all. They are the best!
11 minutes: Oh good, Melissa McCarthy! Finally this movie is going to get tolerable. Oh wait, nope. The script is still horrible. There's nothing Melissa can do to rescue this sinking ship. And now it's getting offensive. Single mothers are weird and flaky and breast feed their kids for a long time (and that's baaaad, did you know?)
18 minutes: And now your best friend is again trying to convince you that kids aren't worth it. Hey, lady with four kids, why don't you shut up and let the lady with no kids have a baby already? Where did you find this best friend, Jennifer Lopez? She is the worst!
19 minutes: Wait, wait...are you randomly running into that guy from the cab incident at the farmers' market? That is so crazy! I didn't think we would ever see that guy again! LIFE IS SO CRAZY!

Okay, so I couldn't continue, by which I mean I couldn't continue the review.  Oh, I watched the whole movie.  Why?  I can't explain it.  Sometimes the couch just sucks you in.  I will summarize by saying that you should definitely check this movie out if you're super dumb and easy to please and think awful things are actually great and even then, you probably just shouldn't watch this movie.  You have 200 television channels, there must be something better on.